Mind you, I haven't been to the eye doctor in 10+ years but if it's gunna get me something even somewhat resembling a date, I'm down for whatever at this point. 

Sound the alarm:

I wake up 10 minutes before my appointment, naturally. So I throw on workout clothes because #atheleisure, brush my teeth and run out the door. Do not grab a brush, do not even glance at makeup, just full on sprint to the car. Since I weaseled my way into ownership of my mother's Mercedes I make it to the appointment two minutes late, so basically I was on time, so basically I was early. 

I get checked in to Clark's Eye Center and make a bee line for the beautiful beacon of light shining from the coffee station that had actual Starbucks coffee AND hazelnut creamer. I asked the lady if this was the VIP section and she just stared at me (the same stare I got when I said I forgot all forms of ID because my purse was on the kitchen island). I sip my coffee and patiently wait to be called back, this place was pretty chill. I catch a glimpse of my unbrushed, leftover bun that I worked all night on, dear lord help me. 

SO, I get called back and begin testing. My chick was super cool and didn't mind the fact that I looked like a homeless wreck. I put my head in multiple contraptions and got blinded by some super stupid bright green light (she warned me but I was not prepared). When I say blinded like my hands flew up to my face and I squealed like a small child and then I thought I'd never get to admire this impeccable ass in my mirror ever again so I got slightly teary-eyed. After she talks me down from my panic attack and I regain sight, she checks the pressure of my eyeballs and sits me down to see the doctor. 

Doctor walks in and I try to wrinkle my nose and fudge the eye exam. I complain of blurry vision and dramatically talk about the excessive amount of hours spent on the computer and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM- 20/20 vision.....

SERIOUSLY?!?

No pornstar glasses for this chick.